I don’t remember at what point it began to happen but one day late at night when my family was in bed asleep, I sat on the couch and thought…I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be a Mom…or married…or have any of my usual responsibilities…I just wanted out. I was done.
But that’s not really what I wanted. I just knew I was tired. Really tired.
That thought scared me that night!! I had no idea where it came from (except from the pit of hell!) and I knew deep down my greatest desire was to be a good Mom and to love my children well and for them to know how special they were to me. And yet during the daily grind I found myself not even wanting to be around them. I was a HOT mess with way too much on my plate! Super woman was burning out.
That’s when I knew it was time to see a counselor. To work through my emotional baggage…with all the guilt I was carrying and to get in tune with myself and who God had made me. God began to take me on a journey…one of forgiving myself, meditating on what is true, and learning how to find balance. I began to remember who God had made me and that if I didn’t get my own needs met and have self care…then I couldn’t take care of others. It’s like the reminders on the plane to put your own oxygen mask on first which always seemed bizarre to me and the opposite of what I would think to do. (I tend to take care of all the little emergencies first before I remember my own oxygen and then wonder why I feel like I can’t breathe!!)
We have to learn how to say no to things…to allow ourselves down time to think and dream and not have to be doing something constantly to feel productive. For me that looks like finding a space of time to sit and recharge spiritually which brings calm to my emotions as I journal, pray and seek God for direction. I’m a crazy person without that time and can always tell when I need to get away and let God speak to my heart to calm me down! Lol! Type A to the core.
I was out the last two days but being around my babies again made me see how much I missed them and I haven’t felt that in awhile. I’m on my way back! All the hard work is worth it and getting me back to where I want to be!
So this morning was a gift to my heart…having my oldest baby want to worship with me and sit with us during the service with lots of family snuggles and actually enjoying being with her. I’ve missed these moments only because I’ve been too stressed to enjoy them. John Whittier said: “Rest if you must but don’t you quit”…
If you’re feeling lost…don’t quit. Get help and find a way to rest (what can you get off your plate). Motherhood is crazy hard but you won’t regret spending time with your kiddos. What you WILL regret is not spending time with them and loosing yourself in the process. It’s ok to say no while putting your own oxygen mask on first. Beautiful Girl…you can do amazing things!